checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
