I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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