Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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