Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
50% drunk capacity currently
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm like, not good at living.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
