Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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