Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you made out with another girl for some wings
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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