ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
