We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
