i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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