So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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