If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
