meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
