The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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