I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
