Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
