whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
