I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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