He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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