i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
