U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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