3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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