I just saw a hot homeless man
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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