Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
