Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
