i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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