one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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