i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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