I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
