I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
