I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
