Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
