that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
