This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
