Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
