Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Alive.
So much puke
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
