I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
