My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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