I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How does one acquire holy water?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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