my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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