from now on my penis is your penis
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
