well I can't set my house on fire every night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
