Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
