I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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