How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
