They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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