if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
