Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
