I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
