there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
