Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
